Singleness and the Christian
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who want to get married and those who don’t.
I’m joking of course. But how prevalent is marriage and the desire to get married in our world? Our desire to get married feels like a natural phenomenon, akin to rain or the change of seasons.
You hear people share their idea of an ideal spouse, their dream wedding, or the kind of family they’ll have.
However, there are so many who don’t see their dreams fulfilled. There are many who’ve tried to make the marriage thing work but failed miserably. Furthermore, there are people who actively avoid getting married (either because they believe they’re better off single or they see marriage as restrictive to their life goals).
What place do these singles have in our lives? Is there a life for them? They’re in an awkward space because of their marital status. Especially here in India, where society looks askance at single men and women.
Sadly, even in churches singles often are looked at like problems to be fixed. How does the church of Christ respond to them?
Different Kinds of Singles
Just like there are different reasons for a person’s singleness, there are different types of singleness too (and it’s not only those youngsters who’ve never been married).
I found out about five different kinds of singleness[1] from a book I read recently.
They are:
- the never-married singles (the ones who make the largest proportion of singles),
- divorced singles,
- widowed singles,
- the older singles (these individuals could fall into any of the three aforementioned categories with the added factor of advanced age), and lastly
- the functionally single (those individuals who are separated from their spouses because of career, estrangement, or absence from church life due to unbelief or spiritual regression).
This article may not address every kind of single out there but some of the stuff applies to all.
I want to look at those who desire to get married but don’t find someone suitable. The reasons for this undesirable situation could be anything. Maybe you haven’t found anyone marriable, relationships haven’t worked, or you don’t know how to go about it. This article is for those who are walking the unwanted path of singleness and for those who are currently living a life that is hoping for a marriage one day.
I want to share what singleness is for us and what God says about it.
1. Marriage is not the aim of life. God is.
Looking around, you’ll think that marriage is a natural stage in life. It is in a sense but it doesn’t happen to everyone. We’ve seen how marriage happens in Indian households. You finish school, get into a good college, do an MBA (some skip this part), find a job with a juicy pay package, and work for a few years. Now that you’ve found some footing in your career, the natural next step is marriage. At least that’s what your family will say. It may make sense to you given that is what you see all around.
Thus it’s easy for us to believe that marriage is just going to happen (it may very well be). But, there are those for whom it doesn’t. This may make you feel like you’ve failed. Like you’ve not achieved your goal in life. But our life is not meant for marriage (I say that not to downplay marriage). Our life is meant to know and worship the Almighty God who sacrificed His only Son to redeem sinners like you and me. Our life’s aim is to know Him and be known by him.
This call is for everyone, no matter what situation in life you find yourself in. Even married people are called to this end, to know God.
2. Spiritual growth is possible even as a single
Marriage is great. You have the love of a spouse and the warmth of children around you. Marriage is a great place for you to grow in love and sacrifice too. It’s a major tool that God uses to shape you. But marriage is not the only way for God to shape you.
God shapes us through the Holy Spirit, the situations in our lives are just the means. Which implies that God can use whichever situation in our lives to make us more like Him. And that includes singleness.
3. You can have a fulfilling life as a single
What we inadvertently learn from movies and even real life is that marriage is when life begins. This unmarried part of life is a waiting period, just a precursor for the real thing. We’re sometimes told that everything that we do now is in preparation for that one day when you’ll be married.
But what if that wedding doesn’t come? What if marriage doesn’t work out? Does that mean we can’t live the real life?
It’s a lie to believe that singleness is a waiting period for something better. The truth is, something better is waiting for you now[2]. That is, you have your life now. A life you can live right now. How do you use this life? You can read more books, learn more skills, volunteer to help the poor and needy, invest in your friendships, be available to serve your local church, participate in evangelistic outreach, etc.
The best way to live in the now, however, is by remembering that a holy God made you His own, and is pouring grace upon grace[3] on you daily, even when you stumble your way through. If you can look at how you’ve been rescued by Jesus and “wonder how He could love me, A sinner condemned, unclean”[4], and respond with gratitude and an obedient life, then that is a fulfilling life.
Conclusion: A Plea to the Marrieds
Talking to the marrieds for a bit would be a great way to end this article. You wonder what I could possibly ask. Here it is, you have a great thing going as a married couple, even if you have energetic children running around the house, and things may not be as smooth as it should.
Your life and home could be a place of refreshing and comfort for a single. You can provide the joy of family and companionship to them because singleness can get lonely. Your family could be a “haven in a heartless world”[5] for those who are navigating the awkwardness of the single life. And singles, in turn, have a lot to offer. After all, they too are image bearers of the Most High God, fearfully and wonderfully made, and beloved by God.
Think about ways you can include them in your family life. Consider ways for your family to be a blessing to them (no pressure friends, just consider it).
May we together, as singles and marrieds, be able to worship the King eternal, immortal, and invisible. To Him be glory and honor forever and ever. Amen[6].
[1] Quoted from “The Proper Care and Feeding of Singles: How Pastors, Marrieds, and Church Leaders Effectively Support Solo Members” by Ruth Buchanan.
[2] From “Outdated: Find Love That Lasts When Dating Has Changed” by Jonathan “JP” Pokluda.
[3] John 1:16
[4] Lyrics from the hymn “I Stand Amazed In the Presence” by Charles H. Gabriel (1856–1932).
[5] I read this from “The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Marriage with the Wisdom of God” by Tim Keller. He was quoting another author, a Christopher Lasch. I love the phrase.
[6] 1 Timothy 1:17
